Connection

There are times in my life when I have felt so disconnected and on the outer ... it's hard to explain how I feel but I believe that writing about this may be helpful for myself, if not others who may feel the same?! I want to make it clear that whilst this may seem like a "pity party", that is not my intention in writing this ... it is purely observations and an expression of my raw feelings and thoughts.

We all have a need to belong, a need to feel wanted and of value to others and since moving to Perth and basically restarting life here, I have struggled to know and feel this sense of connection. I would like to believe and I know that there are people who care about me here, that if I was to not show up to church regularly, that at least one person may notice my absence and check in with me ... but sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case ... somehow I feel that we are still on the outer. It is also hard not to compare oneself to other newcomers who appear to be welcomed in with a more open, warm way and who appear, for all intents and purposes, to become more connected to the community or should I call them "church family" than we are after 3 years. I had a sad reflection last night when I recounted that in the 3 years that we have been in Perth, we seem to have lost sight of connecting with others on a deeper level. What I mean is that we seem to have a number of superficial acquaintance type "friendships" with people and we really like everyone that we have met and spent time with, but our friendships never seem to be able to move to a mutual and/or more meaningful depth and I don't know why? And it is not for lack of trying to make those connections ... they just don't seem to move beyond the level of being nice acquaintances.

I wondered if it is an age thing ... as we get older, we are less likely or inclined to seek out deep friendships because they take time, energy and a mutual desire to share in each other's lives ... or is it that we are just too busy and too fragile to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and authentic with each other ... either way, I truly believe we are missing out on the value of what could be truly life-enhancing friendships as a result of our inability to connect on anything other than this superficial level.

I've been disappointed throughout my life by people who I considered to be "close" and "dear" friends yet who very easily, it seemed to me, were able to turn their back on me and walk away without even so much as a goodbye ... was this just my mis-perception of their friendship or my imagined depth of friendship ... it seems I have perhaps been misreading people all my life then?

And the thing is that I want more and I expect more from my friendships because I want to give more too ... I've organised dinners at our place, mystery dinners for girls, mission prayer meetings, been involved (for a short period) in women's ministry at church and more ... but it has all been in vain when I wake up on a Sunday morning and can't face going to church because the effort of being superficial is all just too much and I don't have the strength or mental energy to push through anymore ... and moving to another church is not necessarily the answer because I don't want to run away from my problems, I want to face them head on ... even if I feel defeated and directionless at this moment in time.